Rubber

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Rating: ** (two out of five)
Year: 2010

Plot: There’s a killer on the loose. He (or she) starts out very small, just killing old beer bottles and hapless rabbits, but then his thirst for mayhem vulcanizes. Spoiler Alert – the killer is a tire. The killings and stalkings are increasingly interrupted by demolition of the 4th wall by the director and the audience. This appears to anger the tire more than being run over or passing by the town’s tire fire. The film climaxes with an the unveiling of THE TRICYCLE OF ABSURDITY.

Review: Why should you watch this movie? No reason. Well, no great ones anyway. In some ways, the movie is incredibly unique, but in most ways, just incredibly awful. You can see the path the director is trying to tread, and he actually gets close to really turning the whole genre on its axel by challenging so many tropes, but the execution leaves the viewer feeling deflated. Exposition scenes can’t get enough traction and drag on far too long, you’re hit too hard over the head with justification for what’s happening, and the script/acting are very flat. The star of the movie is certainly (the tire) as the effects team does a fantastic job of anthropomorphizing the inert hunk of rubber. All this being said, the movie was worth watching simply for the originality of it, and I’d certainly prefer spending a Sunday afternoon watching it than a NASCAR race.

Notable scene: When the maid catches Robert totally naked in the shower.
Gore:            Buckets
Sex/Nudity: Nipples
Scariness:     Screams
Campiness:  Donald Pleasances
Creepiness:  Cellar Doors
Munchy Suggestion: A variety of fancy cheeses.
For More: Information than you require about the flick, look here: Wiki or here: IMDB.
admin on October 5th, 2014 | File Under 2 Stars, Comedic, Serial Killer | No Comments -

ATM

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Rating: *.5 (1.5 out of five)
Year: 2012

Plot: Guy finally works up nerve to ask pretty office girl out after Xmas work party. He offers to give her a ride home and douchy “friend” insists on getting a ride home too so that he can sit in the back seat and cock-block for no reason. In his drunken state, he insists on going to a cash-only diner, which requires a stop at one of those 24-hour ATM kiosks. When they get there, a stoic parka enthusiast stands around outside and freaks them out. Some people die. They’re in there for a long time. The parka guy and the ATM prisoners take turns playing “who can do the thing that makes the least amount of sense?!” until there are credits.

Review: Meh. Not terribly good on any front, but not bad enough to be enjoyably bad. Since these were a bunch of C-list actors, I guess the acting was better than expected. Physics in the movie were deplorable. A trip line strung across a 100 foot parking lot that doesn’t budge when hit full force? Is it made of carbon nano-tubes tied between two 747s trying to take off in opposite directions? One of those little pen chains that you break while picking up off a table used as a murder weapon? Is the booth built like an underwater observatory? Couldn’t get that door open an inch, eh? And, my god, the opportunities they had to escape! If Dexter had come and wrapped the parka guy in plastic sheeting and 3 rolls of duct tape, these fools would have been all like “No, don’t go out there! A sharp meteor might graze his cocoon and release him!” Don’t waste your time on this one.

Notable scene: The final scene is pretty neat. Even though it couldn’t save this movie, I hadn’t seen that device used before to explain how a killer might get away with it.
Gore:            Buckets
Sex/Nudity: Nipples
Scariness:     Screams
Campiness:  Donald Pleasances
Creepiness:  Cellar Doors
Munchy Suggestion: A $5 bag of popcorn from Walgreen’s that’s so big you need two people to carry it!
For More: Information than you require about the flick, look here: Wiki or here: IMDB.
admin on October 1st, 2011 | File Under 1 Star, Serial Killer | No Comments -

The Burning

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Rating: ** (2 out of five)
Year: 1981

Plot: Campers try to pull a prank on a groundskeeper. Prank goes WHOOSH with flames. Burning and horribly painful permanent disfigurement follows. The dude is understandably pissed, so he returns to the camp a few years later and joyfully slaughters everyone in sight with garden shears. That should even things up.

Review: Get ready for a classic 80’s exploitation film! Yes that’s right kids, that means blood and guts, hammy acting, T & A (& P), and a complete lack of directorial imagination! What the death scenes lack in creativity they make up for with gratuity and often-ness. And then of course there’s all the camp sex – these kids make Alyson Hannigan’s Band Camp seem downright prudish… I’m still trying to figure out if “the burning” refers to the fires that take place at camp, or the sensation during urination that inevitably follows summers like those. When I was growing up, we came back from camp with a couple homemade candles and our throats and hymens in tact… come to think of it, their way might have been better.

Notable scene: See George Costanza when he was young, virile, merely portly, and with a hairline a hair’s breadth away from all out retreat.
Gore :             Buckets
Sex/Nudity:  Nipples
(Including Costanza’s butt!)
Scariness:     Screams
Campiness:  Donald Pleasances
Creepiness:  Cellar Doors
Munchy Suggestion: Get some of those liqueur-filled chocolates and eat ’em ’til you’re tipsy.
For More: Information than you require about the flick, look here: Wiki or here: IMDB.
31Nights on October 24th, 2008 | File Under 2 Stars, Exploitation, Serial Killer, Slasher | No Comments -