Rating: *.5 (1.5 out of five)
Year: 2012

Plot: Guy finally works up nerve to ask pretty office girl out after Xmas work party. He offers to give her a ride home and douchy “friend” insists on getting a ride home too so that he can sit in the back seat and cock-block for no reason. In his drunken state, he insists on going to a cash-only diner, which requires a stop at one of those 24-hour ATM kiosks. When they get there, a stoic parka enthusiast stands around outside and freaks them out. Some people die. They’re in there for a long time. The parka guy and the ATM prisoners take turns playing “who can do the thing that makes the least amount of sense?!” until there are credits.

Review: Meh. Not terribly good on any front, but not bad enough to be enjoyably bad. Since these were a bunch of C-list actors, I guess the acting was better than expected. Physics in the movie were deplorable. A trip line strung across a 100 foot parking lot that doesn’t budge when hit full force? Is it made of carbon nano-tubes tied between two 747s trying to take off in opposite directions? One of those little pen chains that you break while picking up off a table used as a murder weapon? Is the booth built like an underwater observatory? Couldn’t get that door open an inch, eh? And, my god, the opportunities they had to escape! If Dexter had come and wrapped the parka guy in plastic sheeting and 3 rolls of duct tape, these fools would have been all like “No, don’t go out there! A sharp meteor might graze his cocoon and release him!” Don’t waste your time on this one.

Rating: * ( 1 out of 5)
Year: 1981

Plot: It’s a new take on the traditional werewolf mythology… Indians and wolves enjoyed a symbiotic utopia of tens of thousands of years, and then the white man came and started killing everything in sight. Some of the survivors of the genocide became a species of uber wolf (Wolfen) that inhabit American cities and thins the pack of human undesirables. And they would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for that laconic detective and his hip-hop sidekick (played by Edward James Olmos).

Review: An interesting idea that goes nowhere. For the first five minutes or so, I thought that I was in for an eerie, carefully executed thriller. I was wrong. The ‘killer’s eye view’ effect is simply regular film stock presented in negatives. It’s overused and quickly becomes annoying. Painstakingly and painfully slow pacing drags the movie to a crawl from the beginning. The cop’s relationship with the police department is nonsensical at best… as is his relationship with reality.

Rating: “Phtbtbtbt!”
Year: 1994

Plot: Some random girl (Annie) has dreams and visions. A paper doll psychiatrist hypnotizes her with his inanity and she relives some new murders and the majority of the original film.

Review: You know the saying ‘you’re not even a has-been, you’re a never was!’? Well, this is a not even ‘straight-to-video’, but a ‘never-even-went-to-video’. Video tape yourself watching Boogeyman 1 and, apparently, you can make it in Hollywood… I write this as I’m watching it. That’s how uninterested I am. Most bad movies are at least good for a laugh, but sitting through this just makes me angry. It’s like forcing myself to watch the end of a game where my Bucs are down 49-0 at the end of the third quarter. An underestimation of the percentage of this film that is comprised of stock footage of the original “Boogeyman” would be 50. Much of it with either a play by play of the pictures on the screen or simply crappy music overlays. Another 30% of the film is a single 2 minute sequence played repeatedly and in slow motion. Some scenes are inexplicably in sepia-tone. Quizzical jump-cuts, inaudible conversation, and voiceovers abound. Seriously, this is quite possibly the worst movie I’ve ever seen.